When You Thought You Had More Time: Grieving a Sudden Pet Loss

You thought you had more time.

Maybe your dog was getting older, but you felt certain there was still plenty of time ahead. Maybe she hadn't been quite herself, but you weren't thinking the end was near.

And then suddenly, she was gone.

There is something especially disorienting about losing a beloved pet unexpectedly. You haven't had time to prepare yourself or even consider that you might be saying goodbye. Your life was moving along as usual, until suddenly it wasn't.

When the bottom drops out

I know this kind of loss myself.

My beloved Basset, Weenie, suddenly lost the use of his back legs over a weekend. After a trip to the vet and medication, he was able to stand again and seemed to be turning a corner.

Then he started vomiting. My vet initially suggested something over the counter, but when it continued, I brought him back in. They put him on fluids and kept him overnight for observation.

I left expecting I'd see him the next day.

Very early the next morning, the phone rang. Weenie had died overnight.

My sweet dog had died alone.

I was devastated. I hadn't been there to hold or comfort him. I hadn't said goodbye because I didn't know I was saying goodbye when I left him at the vet.

It felt like the bottom had dropped out.

Then come all the questions

After a sudden loss, it's easy to go back over everything that happened.

Should I have known? Did I miss something? What if I had done something differently?

I had taken Weenie to the vet, and I still agonized over the fact that he had died without me there.

Once you know how things turned out, it's easy to look back and wonder what you could have noticed, known or changed.

Those questions can be agonizing, and they won't bring your beloved pet back.

When your pet was at the center of your life

For some of us, a dog is one of the most important relationships in our lives.

Maybe you live alone and your dog was your constant companion. Maybe you don't have kids, and your dogs are your children. Your pets are woven into your days, your routines, your home and your sense of family.

And then suddenly, they're gone.

When you're older, that loss can bring another kind of fear. You may desperately miss having a dog beside you while also wondering whether you're too old to open your heart and home to another one.

What if I get sick? What if I can't care for a dog someday? What if the dog outlives me?

Those are real concerns. But there may be something else, too.

I don't know if I can stand to have my heart broken again.

C.S. Lewis wrote in The Four Loves, “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.”

After a loss like this, protecting your heart can feel very tempting. But the love that you're grieving is also what gave you the companionship, affection, silliness and comfort you miss so much now.

There isn't an easy answer, and you don't need one right now.

Right now, you can simply miss the one you loved.

When you need more help with the loss

Sometimes the way a pet died is particularly hard to get past. You may keep thinking about their last moments, what you wish you'd done differently, or the things you didn't get to say.

This is part of why I offer Pet Loss Therapy Intensives. An intensive gives us more time to work through a painful loss when you find yourself going back to what happened.

The goal isn't to stop missing your pet or somehow "get over" the loss. It's to help you move through the hardest parts of your grief with compassion and support.

It doesn't matter how much time we have with our beloved animals, it will never be long enough.

With care and compassion,

Jacquelyn

Written by Jacquelyn Baker
Space for Grief — Renton, WA
In-person & online therapy across Washington